How to Mansplain

There are two reasons people mansplain:

-1) They’re embarrassed about the size of their dicks.

-2) They were raised by gorillas.

These two problems can be resolved by driving a huge mo’fo of a 4×4 on urban streets while holding a giant, booming subwoofer outside your car window, or mansplaining. Mansplaining can be done when you aren’t driving, so obviously it’s the better option, but don’t be afraid of doing both, even at the same time. If you’re a woman, don’t feel left out because you, too, can learn how to mansplain.

Mansplaining is awesome for these eight reasons…

-1) Women will learn their place on the totem pole that is gender inequality.

-2) Reasons

-3) Everyone will think you’re smart as fuck.

-4) Reasons

-5) People will instantly know that your penis is nine inches long without even checking.

-6) Reasons.

-7) More reasons.

-8) Even more reasons.

Step One

There are two ways to talk to people:

• Talk to them
• Talk at them

Talking to them is polite, but talking at them is fun, so which are you going to choose? To successfully talk at someone, do not, I repeat, do not stop your monologue no matter what. If your woman tries to answer your questions or disagree with you, just keep on talking. Talk louder if necessary because women like to interrupt, which is a sign that they’re full of shit, so show them their place.

Nobody ever made a law about how long a monologue can last. You’re only limited by your own self-respect. Reign that baby in, and you can safely monologue for an hour or two. If you begin to feel humiliated by your own cuntishness, simply conjure an image of your shrunken ego, and you should be just fine.

There are two ways to talk at someone:

-1) Behave as though they know stuff.

-2) Behave as though they don’t know shit.

The Wimminz don’t know shit. There a few some simple things that you might assume everyone over 18 knows, for instance how to choose a political party to vote for and sweep a floor. Never assume that your woman knows anything about those things. She doesn’t. Women spend all their time embroidering tablecloths.

I come across a lot of people who say, “I don’t think I can get this mansplaining thing right. I’m not well educated.” I always tell them

Wrong! You, too, can mansplain!

Mansplaining has nothing to do with how much you know but how many words you can fit into a sentence and how loudly. When you lose confidence, just start your next sentence with the phrase, “A 2011 study by Cambridge University said…”

If you’re thinking, “But I don’t know any Cambridge University studies. I don’t even know what Cambridge University is.” Don’t worry! Neither do women.

Women don’t know shit.

Your ultimate goal is to develop an utterly delusional belief in your superiority and the ability to mansplain stuff r.e.a.l.l.y  s.l.o.w.l.y. Women like to assert their “equality” so always tell them you’re not mansplaining and that you’re a feminist. When they get annoyed, get even more annoyed. When they start saying things that sound intelligent, they’re pretending. If necessary, flounce and come back when your woman has calmed down because mansplaining is far easier when they’ve quit being so fucking psychotic.

Once you’ve mansplained for six months, you’ll feel more superior, and after a year, you’ll have no awareness of anything but your own voice, making those two-hour monologues far easier to through.